Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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