after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Randomize
