whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
