Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
