hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He felt like a one man threesome
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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