I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
