he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
