sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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