I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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