Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
