Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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