he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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