There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
