Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
