so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
