Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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