I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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