It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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