some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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