just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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