we're chasing vodka with high fives
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
