I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
