Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
