oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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