The maid of honor just puked.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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