I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
