One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
