everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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