A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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