seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
