i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
