I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
