It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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