FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
