Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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