this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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