the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
