Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
