I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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