I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
