If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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