So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
