Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
