You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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