His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think my moral compass just broke
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
