you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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