my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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