Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
