if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
