She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
