I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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